1432.
it's been 1432 days
since i gave myself
the Gift of singleness.
+ although i've dated plenty
in the last almost 4 years since
ending my last relationship,
but by the Grace of God,
i have not gotten sucked into
another poor excuse for Eros.
.
it's an obvious pattern in my pastLife
that i see with increasing clarity
the further i get away from it—
allowing Men to disrespect me,
+ then,
instead of standing up for myself,
i created + managed excuses
for their poor behavior
because i was under the delusion
that this was how Love worked.
.
such trusting-naïvety was crafted
in my childhood—
the compounding result
of my unique Life experiences
that taught me how to treat others.
much of which was administered
by societal + religious "authorities."
the tribal dominance hierarchy
+ how animals establish territory
+ control over others is,
very shockingly + equally sadly,
not limited to beasts.
.
upright on 2
means nothing to me.
.
but the Woman i am today knows better
than to submit my heart + mind
to an evil / outside force,
regardless of how disarmingly,
or even charmingly,
they present themselves—
recognizing that
evil comes cloaked in deception.
my history of being disrespected by Men
who are supposed to Love + protect me
is finished + will never carry over
into my future.
.
1432 x 1440.
(that's how many days
times how many minutes
i've whispered into my healing heart:
“never again. i'm protecting you this time.”)
.
143 means, "i Love you."
so 1432 means, "i Love you, too.”
+ these numbers have been
showing up in my day-to-day Life
since i was a little Girl, and my
Daddy taught me that numbers
can speak to us, too.
Dad had me coding in basic
before kindergarten.
talking 0s + 1s goes back
to my beginning.
.
so i count things.
lots of things.
Time, mostly.
Beautiful, Mystical, Radical Time.
how long it's been since.
how long it will be until.
Time helps me see Life differently.
numbers help me calculate
where i've been + where i'm going.
.
so maybe
one-thousand
four-hundred
thirty-two
days
of intentional singleness
sounds silly to you.
but believe me when i say—
these last almost-4 years
of telling myself AND THEN
CHOOSING TO BELIEVE
that being single isn't a curse,
it's my Blessing—
has been one of the
single (see what i did there?)
most powerful Gifts
i've ever given myself.
so much so that
i wrapped a bow around my heart
to acknowledge today—
embracing what used to be.
what very much is.
+ what is yet to become.
.
because i know The Flawless Engineer
behind the mathematical perfection
of this Universe Loves me as much
as any human being could
ever be Loved—
+ i'm gonna keep counting on it. <3
.
#1432Papa #numbergirl #nerdforlife #singleismyblessing #countonit